Resident Lulzy
by CloudMistDragon555
Summary: A series of sketches based off five of the Resident Evil games, Code Veronica X and Resident Evil 1-4.
**Resident Evil 1**

Chris Redfield, Jill Valentine, Barry Burton, Joseph Frost, and Albert Wesker were investigating in the field outside of the Spencer Mansion. Eventually, Joseph Frost found something of interest lying on the ground…

"Hey guys, come here!" he called to his comrades.

Joseph then began to pick up what he had found as a nearby dog growled ominously…

Joseph brought what he had discovered closer and closer to him until he realized that it was a gun...with a human hand still clinging to it.

…

"Hey guys, what's taking you?" Joseph called again. "There's a gun with a guy's hand still on it here!"

Eventually, the other S.T.A.R.S. members came over to where he was and saw the disembodied hand.

"WOAH!" Chris exclaimed. "I gotta _hand_ it to you Joseph, that was some great scouting!"

"Now all we have to do is find out who this hand belongs to and give them some handy first-aid!" Jill interjected.

"That was too close!" Barry chimed in. "That hand was almost a worm dinner!"

"I have to say Joseph," said Wesker, "as my subordinate, you have wonderful talent as a scoutman. Why don't you become our new scout dog?"

"Hey!" the nearby dog barked. "I wanted to be the new scout dog!"

 **Resident Evil 2**

Leon Scott Kennedy, on Caution health, was clutching his stomach as he was trying to catch up to Ada Wong, who kept running ahead of him. Eventually, he caught up to her and began to interrogate her.

"Ada!" he exclaimed. "Why do you keep running away from me?"

"Because you touch yourself in public." Ada replied in a deadpan tone of voice.

"What?!" Leon cried, taken aback. "No, I don't!"

"How can you deny it?" Ada asked. "You're doing it right now."

Ada pointed to how Leon was touching his stomach.

"Ada, I am seriously hurt right now!" Leon exclaimed defensively.

"By me or by the truth?" Ada asked with a naughty grin on her face.

"Neither!" Leon answered. "I'm wounded from being attacked by monsters! You should have seen the way they came onto me!"

"My sympathies." Ada said, still grinning cheekily. "That must've been a very stimulating experience. Oh ho ho ho."

 **Resident Evil 3**

Jill Valentine was running through the Raccoon City graveyard, when all of a sudden, zombies started rising out of the ground!

"Wait, what?" Jill asked in confusion. "These zombies aren't really zombies, just mutated people! They're only dead in a figurative sense, they should've suffocated down there!"

Thankfully, one of the zombies who was dressed like a construction worker, used to be a scientist, and was able to construct a scientific explanation.

"The T-virus has an effect on the dead as well as the living," he elaborated, "as seen with your comrade, Brad Vickers."

"Oh…" Jill responded. "So all the zombies rising from their graves are dead."

"Hmm...possibly not all." the construction scientist zombie said. "Some of the zombies in this graveyard could also be living people who decided to take a dirt nap, and were able to survive underground after being so accustomed to breathing in the highly dirt-filled air found in Raccoon City."

"That's crazy!" Jill exclaimed. "How did the air get so filthy?"

Some nights ago…

"STARS!" Nemesis shouted as he stood on top of a building, looking out at the starry night sky. "RRRAAAGGGHHH!"

He took his rocket launcher and began shooting at the stars, as the smoke from the exhaust of the rockets polluted the air. Even as the stars fell out of the sky and onto the dirty ground from being shot at, Nemesis kept shooting at them, causing the dirt on the ground to be kicked up into the air.

"Because you have a filthy mouth." the construction scientist zombie joked. "You need to say the S word less."

"Okay then…" an agitated Jill said as she pointed a handgun at the construction scientist zombie's head. "Eat dirt with crap in it!"

She shot the zombie in the head and he fell down on the ground...where he started literally eating the dirt.

"What the hell?" Jill remarked. "Now who's the one with a filthy mouth? You guys need some damn Orbit gum!"

And that's how Orbit's ad-campaign featuring zombies began!

 **Resident Evil: Code Veronica X**

Claire Redfield was about to leave Alfred's mansion after being unable to collect the Gold Lugers she needed to unlock the door to Alexia's mansion when she heard something.

"YAAAH!" Steve Burnside cried. "HELP MEEE!"

"Steve?!" Claire responded in concern as she ran back to the Gold Luger room. There, she saw on the computer monitor, Steve banging against the closed off door with the Lugers in hand.

"It's too warm in here!" Steve whined about the heat that was filling the room. "I don't want to get a tan!"

Claire facepalmed.

"At least that explains his girly whine…" she remarked as she deactivated the trap out of pity by solving the puzzle on the computer, freeing Steve from the now open room he was trapped in.

"Phew, that was too close!" he commented, having escaped the tan. "Thanks to you, surviving in this place is like a day at the beach! Now I've got a pair of pistols that are literally worth their weight in gold!"

"Wait, Steve!" Claire exclaimed. "I need those guns to open the door that leads to the next spot on this island, so we can get out of this deathtrap! If you give them to me, I'll give you a pair of submachine guns! They're empty, but so are those lugers, so it should be a fair trade."

"No way!" Steve replied. "I want guns to shoot, not to save our lives! I'll tell you what, I'll let you have the lugers in exchange for something fully automatic."

"Okay then…" Claire said with a grin as she got out a car key and pressed a button on it. A fully automatic Nissan car came crashing through the wall.

"WOAH!" Steve exclaimed with joy. "For me?!"

"Only for your lugers." Claire replied.

"Sure!" Steve said as he happily handed them to her. "Not like you or I need them any more! I've got a much better idea on how to get past that door…"

The sound of the car revving up was heard from behind the locked door with the hollow for the Gold Lugers before Steve drove it through the door. The car came to a stop and the airbags deployed on him and Claire, who was in the passenger seat.

"Now that's what saves lives!" Steve declared, referring to the slowly deflating airbags and the seatbelts they were wearing. "Always wear your seatbelts, kids!"

 **Resident Evil 4**

Leon Scott Kennedy and Ashley Graham were fleeing a large group of hostile villagers. They eventually made it to a cabin, where they barricaded the door with the help of Luis Sera, whom they met there. After they had done that, Luis looked upon Ashley naughtily.

"It seems the president has his daughter equipped with Full Metal Ballistics!" he joked as he looked down at her breasts.

In response, Ashley smirked.

"Actually…" she replied as she pressed a button on her chest that was concealed under her shirt. "He has me equipped with...Full Metal Gear."

The sound of a machine changing shape could be heard as Metal Gear Rex poked his head out of Ashley's shirt and roared.

"Oh shit!" Luis exclaimed as Metal Gear Rex launched missiles at him and he ran away screaming. "AAAHH!"

Later, when they were fighting the villagers who were trying to break into the cabin…

"Hey, Leon!" Luis called to Leon. "How about some tunes to go along with this gauntlet?"

"Right on it…" Leon replied as he got out his mixtape. When he played it, this song came on...

"THE FLINCH IN YOUR EYE CALLS YOUR BLUFF!"

Leon stopped the tape and facepalmed.

"This isn't your game, Dante!" he exclaimed.

He tried playing another song…

"SONGS AS OLD AS TIME, BEAUTY AND THE BEAST!"

Leon stopped the tape, and his cheeks went red with embarrassment as he looked over at Luis.

"Seriously, hombre?" Luis asked. "Pixar music is a lot better."

"Hey," replied Leon, "Disney music is a lot more suitable to the situation we're in. Just listen to this…"

Leon played one more song…

"MY DATE WITH THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER!"

"Sums everything up, really." Leon said.

Later, in the castle…

Leon and Ashley were walking down a corridor, when all of a sudden, Ashley began to cough up blood.

"Are you okay?" Leon asked her, feeling concerned.

"I'm fine!" Ashley barked back, pushing him. "Just leave me alone!"

She then ran further down the corridor...until she realized that Leon wasn't following her. She looked back at him, and noticed he looked glum.

"I just wanted to offer you a Ricola…" he said in bemusement as he showed her a cough drop.

"Oh, I'm sorry…" Ashley apologized as she walked back to him. "I've just been having mood swings lately…"

"It's fine, I understand." Leon replied, sympathizing with her as he put the cough drop away and got out a tube filled with the mixture of a Green, Red, and Yellow Herb. "Here, have some of my herbs instead."

"Uh…" Ashley went in response.

"What?" Leon asked. "They're good for you. They're also much better when you take them through a tube."

Ashley just stared in uncertainty as Leon took a sip of the mixture.

"Ah…" he said. "A much better alternative to having a smoke."

"MY DATE WITH THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER!"


End file.
